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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29855685">sex crazed monarchs and crazy wizard men</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/'>Anonymous</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Arthurian Mythology, Arthurian Mythology &amp; Related Fandoms, Merlin (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Apocalypse, Blood and Injury, Crack, Creampie, Cuckolding, Cucumbers as dildos, Depression, F/F, F/M, Grief/Mourning, I've never heard of a period in my life, Incest, M/M, Magic, Masturbation, Multi, Parent/Child Incest, Pining Merlin(Arthurian), Punctuation? What punctuation?, Resurrection, Revenge, Sex Magic, This was written by two teenagers in kik and at least one was heavily sleep deprived, Uther is a whore, it is completely intelligible without proper grammar, no proper grammar, non graphic gore, tense change in the middle of the sentence, tense change in the middle of the story, we'll not bow down to the elitists insisting on made uo language rules</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 00:07:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,212</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29855685</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Once upon a time there lived a king named king Uther</p><p>Unfortunately he was a total idiot</p><p>Fortunately, he listened to his court sorcerer: Merlin, who wasn't as much of an idiot as he was</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Merlin/Uther(Arthurian), Morgan le Fay/Her mother, Uther's wife/Everyone (, Uther/everyone(Arthurian)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Anonymous</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>sex crazed monarchs and crazy wizard men</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Once upon a time there lived a king named king Uther</p><p>Unfortunately he was a total idiot</p><p>Fortunately, he listened to his court sorcerer: Merlin, who wasn't as much of an idiot as he was</p><p>Unfortunately Merlin was just a crazy old man who somehow sweet talked his way into his position</p><p>Fortunately, he was wise</p><p>Unfortunately the king was bad at following instructions correctly. Merlin told him to raise the taxes on his kingdom. The king made everyone hold their tax money above their heads</p><p>Fortunately, the people were happy about not having to pay taxes</p><p>Unfortunately this meant that the castle could not have a new TV system put into it as the kingdom could not afford it</p><p>Fortunately, they could watch their favourite shows on netflix</p><p>Unfortunately they remembered they were in ancient times and TV or Netflix did not exist yet</p><p>Fortunately, that means they wouldn't need money for a TV as it didn't exist yet and they didn't know it was a thing</p><p>Unfortunately the king and his serfs were getting bored sitting around a huge castle with nothing to do</p><p>Fortunately, the Queen's water broke just as the king was contemplating killing one of the serfs and making the others eat his dead body to relive his boredom</p><p>Unfortunately the queen was acting like a maniac and pushing people out of the way, running to get a doctor</p><p>Fortunately, the doctor came and delivered a healthy beautiful baby boy</p><p>Unfortunately the baby looked an awful lot like the court jester, bearing the jesters beautiful blonde hair.</p><p>Fortunately, the king was a dimwit and didn't question it</p><p>Unfortunately when merlin saw the baby for the first time he knew instantly. He was debating on whether or not to tell the newlymade father</p><p>Fortunately, Merlin decided not to tell the father</p><p>Unfortunately the baby was very fussy. Giving the queen and king a headache for weeks on end</p><p>Fortunately, he got a deadly disease and died</p><p>Unfortunately this made the queen fall into a deep depression</p><p>Fortunately, it was medieval times and the cure for depressed women was masturbating them</p><p>Unfortunately this led the queen into a deep addiction of violent masturbation</p><p>Fortunately, the king loved her addiction</p><p>Unfortunately this led to not much getting done in the kingdom as they both were in the bedroom all day. The sounds could be heard throughout the kingdom</p><p>Fortunately, all monarchs did was behead people and the people were very pleased with their bout of inactivity</p><p>Unfortunately word got around about the excessive masturbation and there were even witnesses who saw the occurrences and told about it to the press</p><p>Fortunately, that was their kink</p><p>Unfortunately the kingdom was running out of cucumbers as they all went to the queens personal usage</p><p>And... were never seen again</p><p>Fortunately, cucumbers can be regrown</p><p>Unfortunately the queen wasnt quite as satisfied with the king's smaller.... stature anymore</p><p>Fortunately, the king was into being cuckolded</p><p>Unfortunately other kingdoms found out about this. The reputation of the king and queen was ruined throughout the land once these sexual misadventures were made public</p><p>Fortunately, they didn't invade the kingdom because king Uther and his queen let any king fuck her (and him if that's what they're into, uther's bi as hell) and emasculating a king was much better than emasculating a former king</p><p>Unfortunately after seeing his wife get creampied by so many men the king started to realize that maybe he would prefer to be in her position (literally)</p><p>Fortunately, there are loads of people who wanted to creampie him too</p><p>Unfortunately the king doesn't want to confess this yet. He doesn't think everyone is ready to hear his story. So he consults his friend Merlin</p><p>Fortunately, Merlin loves his king and is one of the men who wants to creampie him</p><p>Unfortunately Merlin also wants to fuck the queen too. So he has to make a decision</p><p>Fortunately, he's a sorcerer and decides to grow two sets of genitals and creampie them both</p><p>Unfortunately the queen is horrified to see two dicks on one man</p><p>Fortunately, she's also turned on as hell</p><p>Unfortunately merlin forgot condoms</p><p>Fortunately, the queen is pregnant again and her depression is cured</p><p>Unfortunately this ends the queens amazing few weeks of vigorous masturbation</p><p>And passionate sex with all the monarchs of the land</p><p>Fortunately, without the queen, all kings are creampieing Uther who loves it</p><p>Unfortunately the queen soon becomes jealous seeing all the fun her husband is having</p><p>Fortunately her jealousy is forgotten when her water breaks again and she has a beautiful baby girl named Morgan</p><p>Unfortunately this baby snapped the king out of his sex induced madness and forces him to become a competent father</p><p>Fortunately, Uther's happy to give up his lusty leisures to take care of his baby girl</p><p>Unfortunately Princess Morgan grew up to be quite the handful. She was a teenager who was rebellious and caused trouble everywhere she went</p><p>Fortunately, it kept the king and queen on their toes and prevented any more sex induced madness</p><p>Unfortunately it just meant the queen had to be more sneaky while continuing her "polishing of the pearl"</p><p>Fortunately, the queen got off the risk</p><p>Unfortunately, one day Morgan caught her mother masturbating</p><p>Fortunately it wasnt a hard time convincing her to join her</p><p>Unfortunately, the king walked in on them and even cuck Uther couldn't take this debauchery and promptly fainted</p><p>Fortunately this allowed them more time to finish before they were disturbed again</p><p>Unfortunately, uther hit his head and started bleeding from his head and nobody knew about Uther's fainting other than the two lust addled women. Uther died from bloodloss</p><p>Fortunately the castle was empty at the time allowing the two women to take out the cucumber they were sharing and move the body to the bottom of the stairs to make it look like an accident</p><p>Unfortunately, Merlin had seen in all in his crystal ball of convenient omniscience</p><p>Fortunately merlin was willing to keep it a secret... on one condition</p><p>Unfortunately, that condition was that one of the woman have to give her for Merlin to resurrect Uther who had been his one true love</p><p>Fortunately the strong will of the mother gave her the strength to sacrifice herself for her family. She died and allowed Uther to he resurrected.</p><p>Unfortunately, Uther loved his wife and hated Merlin for taking her life to resurrect him</p><p>Fortunately merlin was also careless and this weakness allowed Uther to push merlin down the stairs in anger, killing him</p><p>Unfortunately, Uther was now sadder and wrecked with guilt for killing both his wife and closest friend</p><p>Fortunately he still had his beloved kingdom and daughter he cared so much for</p><p>Unfortunately, another King, Cenred, invaded his kingdom and Uther couldn't properly defend his kingdom due to grief and died in battle.</p><p>Fortunately the rule of the absolute baboon of a human king Uther was over and the kingdom finally had a competent ruler</p><p>Unfortunately, all monarchs do is behead people and having a competent monarch resulted in rapid depopulation turning the kingdom into post apocalyptic wasteland</p><p>Fortunately that is the end of this miserable tale of sex crazed monarchs and crazy wizard men</p>
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